5 words story: You made me hate myself.

“I have some issues. Very big issues. I’m lost. And I can’t find my way back. I lost my way when I was alone. The loneliness led me to strange wonders of this world…and I became dissolved in the simplicity of addiction. My whole existence seemed to matter when I became an addict. Not on drugs. Other things. Those things that I will never mention to anyone, because those dark secrets aren’t safe to even me. I can’t even trust myself with them…and those who do not know are the ones that can only save me. But is it like, I don’t want to be saved? I’m becoming more devoted to those addictions, as one went away I gladly hooked onto another…slowing finding my way into hell. I almost loved, but I was set aback when I realized that the love I was committing to will consume each and every single feeling I had in me, the respect I deserved would be lost. The people who have told me to not be afraid, they don’t realize that I’m not afraid. I’m only alone, and becoming too attached to someone makes me paranoid. It makes me angry. I feel stuck inside the walls. I feel like my voice is muffled as I call for help, for mercy. I can’t breathe and I lose control of myself as I absorb the pain. Each day my hearts speeds like it needs escape from this misery, this loneliness, this dark corner of life. That is what I am in the most vulnerable hours of my days. I’m a monster. Something I should escape from, but the desire grows every day every night. Every hour every second. And this makes me question myself everyday when I look in the mirror. What happened to that innocent girl? That girl who was afraid of the dark? The girl who knew right from wrong, the one who wasn’t afraid to love, to hate…? Where’s the one girl who did not know sin? The girl who did not keep secrets? There are parts of my life when I used to believe that the worst feeling in life is to feel betrayed, or to feel guilt – but that’s not true. The absolute worst feeling in life is when you realize that you’re done. You’re gone ..and you can’t come back. You’re lost. And redemption, which you need the most, will never be in your favor again.”